ARE YOU AN OVERZEALOUS FOODIE who compels himself to go through the horrors of trying every imaginable food and bets he’d survive?
A sad traveler who thinks of food only as sustenance?
Globetrotter Joe who doesn’t think of it at all, just gets some?
And are you traveling to Uzbekistan?
Buckle up and get ready to be taken for a ride!
Or, learn how to haggle. We’ll start with a song.
The song of a proud man…
[Singing]
I don’t wanna talk,
About all the deals I’ve missed,
Though it’s hurting me,
To pay so dearly.
I had all the aces,
But you had the faces,
You knew when to bluff,
I overly huff.
Knowing I was near,
But so was my fear,
And my ego peer,
Megalomania severe.
The winner takes it all,
The stupid is left free fall,
Bathing in its glory,
Imaginary and folly.
[Hip Hop]
But tell me, do you think,
If I am to blink,
I can be a King,
A Queen or the new Ming,
Then I’ll have a palace,
And a bigger phallus,
And plenty of maids,
Perhaps I could play spades.
Cause I know this time,
This time I will win,
Cause you know, the blunder,
It wasn’t me,
It was my twin!
And we’ll continue with more serious business, like:
What is haggling?
Work in progress that starts with the basic question, “How much is it?” and it never ends with, “But I want that.”
Or, how about this one? Haggling is the only time when getting more than you bargained for brings you real joy.
Why haggle in Uzbekistan?
Because the secret to wealth is giving up pointless expenses. Like that extra dollar for getting the same thing.
Plus, you’re on the Silk Road, the ancient trading route that connected China with Europe and the Middle East. So, you must.
Could you recommend any good books on the topic?
No. But I could recommend a good practice partner. Your wife.
Not married? Any woman would do.
What’s the best part about haggling?
Gives you an opportunity to sing “The winner takes it all,” in other circumstances than being heartbroken.
What’s the hardest part about haggling?
Knowing when to stop. Says the Jew.
What’s the most embarrassing thing about haggling?
There is no such thing as “the most.” Haggling is embarrassing. Period. Says the American. It’s easier to just take it all.
What skills do you need to be really good at haggling?
Skills? More like personality traits. You need to be merciless, cunning, and of course, creative. The last bit comes easily once you’ve mastered the first two.
A word of caution: super-duper haggling while not technically stealing, might feel like stealing.
What? You are appalled?
Don’t worry, it’s temporary, just till you see the benefits.
Is there any margin for error when you haggle?
Sure there is. Like one cent. You can pay one cent more than you planned to. But, you shouldn’t pay one cent more than he’d be willing to sell it for.
Are we clear?
And now, let’s delve into the nitty gritty. You’re going to the bazaar. How do you start? What are the steps?
Step 1: Anticipate.
I know, the best time to buy food is when you’re hungry. Coincidentally, that’s also the worst time for haggling.
The solution? Anticipate.
Start thinking of breakfast in the evening, of lunch right after breakfast, of dinner just after midday. Just like home.
And, to avoid depleting yourself of energy because of all this thinking, anticipate some more by making sure every minute or two you have a snack… or two. Exactly like home.
Step 2: Know how much you wanna pay. You wanna pay nothing.
If that doesn’t work out, you can settle for something.
It’s not much, but like I said, it’s something.
You’re flexible.
Step 3: No matter how much you want it, show indifference.
Pretend you have all the time in the world. If need be, you can come back late afternoon. Tomorrow might work too.
Do not, and I mean do not, look to be in a hurry. You are out taking a stroll and what better place than a stroll around the market.
Step 4: Ask if it’s organic.
If he says no, then you made your point.
If he says yes, probe further: “Is it certified organic?”
Hopefully, this time he will say no, in which case, he’s done. And you’re done too.
If he says yes, then ask by whom. Then he’s certainly done. And dusted. A bit late, but still.
Step 5: Point out all the products not crafted in God’s image.
If they are organic, that’s easy. Pretty much all of them.
Remember, the most beautiful fig may contain a worm. Look for the worm.
Step 6: Running out of ideas?
Do not take your phone out and ask Siri to haggle for apples. Conflict of interest.
Remember, you’ve already paid too much for an Apple. Do you want to repeat the experience with more?
And, while we are at the “Do-nots” section, please remember number 7 before going for one.
Step 7: Do not show off your math skills.
In fact, pretend you’re not good at math at all.
For example, if he says “Five for twenty,” say “Okay” as if everything is settled. Then, continue, “Two for one.”
Remember, don’t ask, just say. You need to sound authentically dumb. Otherwise, he might think you wanna play him. Not nice of him, I know.
Do that a few times and he’ll feel real pity for you.
Then, strike again. Make a long face. Now, you’re also sad, a dumb not fun. That’s your punchline and that’s his downfall.
I guarantee he won’t bear to waste more time with someone like you. It would be beneath him.
He sticks to his guns? He doesn’t care that you’re smart, dumb, sad? Well, he’s a soulless bastard. He deserves to win. So, move on to…
The last and final step. Grovel and pay what he asks.
No, sorry, don’t grovel. You must lose in style.
Just philosophically say, “Well, inflation is rampant! Let’s not get caught up in numbers.”
And smile. You can’t always get what you want for how much you want.
Look at the bright side. Aren’t you proud of yourself for all the time wasted?
By the way, I’m glad I could help!
Till next time,
Au revoir! And thank you for reading, “The ABCs of Haggling Well,” your journey from a crying victim to building a successful career in profiteering.
P.S. Back to buying apples, do you remember the proverb: “An apple a day keeps the good doctor away?”
No! No! No! It is wrong.
Don’t buy any apples. Good doctors are notoriously hard to find these days. No need to keep them even further away.
Excerpt from Carol’s latest book, “OMSARUZ, Humorous tales from Oman, Saudi Arabia and Uzbekistan”
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